‘What’s in a Word?’
CAERS Substack Article #87
Speech is impressive for at least two reasons. The first is that as far as we can tell, no other species on the planet uses words and language to communicate information to the extent that we do, both qualitatively and quantitatively. The second is that speech is frequently the intermediary between thoughts and action. One of the commonest ways that others know what we think or how we feel is through speech, and one of the commonest ways that we effect change in the world is through the use of words.
This means that words are powerful and should be used with great respect. Sometimes we use words that we think we understand well even when we really don’t. That may occur for a number of reasons. For example, a word may try to capture a very complex concept, one that has many facets which may be quite subtle, so its full import eludes us. Sometimes a word may represent an idea that is so counterintuitive or even paradoxical that we fail to comprehend its complete significance.
Not infrequently the problem may result from so much over-usage that over time it loses some of its essence. When utilized too broadly or inappropriately, it can become so diluted that even a very powerful word can wane in its effectiveness. I discussed this in my special article titled ‘Crisis’: the word crisis is used in so many situations that are not serious or pressing that we become deaf to real crises.
But there is an even more important word that illustrates all of the issues mentioned above. That word is ‘love’. Because we often identify things that we love with certain feelings we have about them, such as longing or affection or closeness, there is a tendency to think that love is primarily a feeling. We say that we love pizza because we enjoy eating it so much. Similarly, we loved visiting Paris, or love to listen to opera, or love skiing in the winter. All of these things that we claim to love provide pleasant sensations for us and we want more of them.
Of course, we also claim to love our pets and to love certain people as well. Is the love we have for them the same kind of love mentioned above? Is love for a living creature different than love for inanimate objects? And is the love for the family dog the same as the love we have for our spouse, child or parent?
It is probably obvious that the ‘love’ we have for inanimate objects is about our enjoyment of the sensual pleasure they provide to us, and it is a one-way street. Pizza, Paris, opera and skiing don’t benefit from us, we only benefit from them. On the other hand, love for living things implies a benefit to them as well: we have good feelings about our pets, for example, but we also want what is best for them. This brings us back to my last article about doing good. What is the good, who defines it and is it simply about sensual experience?
If we truly love a living thing it means that we must first appreciate their individual autonomy and worth and on that basis desire what is best for them; we want to do good for them. The Golden Rule addresses this, although it comes in two forms: 1) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 2) Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. The difference may seem subtle, but it is critical because it refers to who does the deciding about what constitutes the good—the giver or the receiver. If we love someone, do we decide what is good for them or do we have them decide? If the city street beggar feels that money given to them is best used to feed their addiction to mind-altering substances, is it loving to offer them money, deny it or both?
Even more important is the question whether doing good for someone alone is all that there is to love? Each of us knows that we can evolve and grow, and we also know that we are a highly social species. That implies that part of our journey of growth is improving our ability to be social and learning to develop healthy relationships. We can do a loving act for another; loving relationships involve the free exchange of loving acts. An adult relationship in which one party always does all of the giving and does little receiving is a lopsided one that few of us maintain for long because we feel that we are being used like a thing. Such an association is not good for the receiver either because they are failing to grow and evolve. A respectful and caring to-and- fro of loving acts is best because that aids in the growth of both parties.
Inevitably there are times when any one of us can experience hardship and for a while we are more receiver than giver. Support through such hardships is crucial, and that may include offering a stepladder out of a dark hole or a gentle kickstart to get out of neutral. It can be a fine line between supporting versus enabling; allowing or encouraging someone to wallow indefinitely in stagnating self-pity or narcissism may not be supporting their growth and therefore may not be loving.
In other words, if we truly love someone, we see their potential for growth and for doing good in the world, and we want to help them maximize both. Few people are happy simply having their all of their desires met; our nature is to want to share that with others and have them experience it too. Spinning around endlessly on a merry-go-round of selfish pleasure, oblivious to the rest of the world, may satisfy when we are young, but as we age we realize the emptiness of that. As we become more integrated in the world through our relationships, we recognize the tremendous needs of others and the altruistic part of ourselves is awoken. Parenthood is the quintessential example of that.
As parents we should want our children to be happy, of course, but we also want them to fully develop and have healthy and loving relationships. That necessitates that they learn self- discipline and how to delay gratification because without them they will have a much more difficult time cultivating meaningful and satisfying relationships. Both of these skills involve the pain of personal self-sacrifice.
Pain is not the goal, of course, it is simply the unavoidable price one pays in loving another. Equally, if part of love is to help a person grow, it may involve speaking truths that could be painful for the receiver no matter how tactfully and respectfully truths are provided. Again, the goal is not pain, but an honest and deep relationship is partly defined by its ability to withstand difficult discussions about sensitive topics that matter.
Which means that love is about wanting good for the other as they define it, but with the proviso that it also involves wanting them to grow as well. Sometimes those two values collide. There are instances when we cannot in good conscience, with altruism as our guide, provide what the receiver considers a good that we think fuels a spiralling and self-defeating narcissism. We need not abandon them—we can continue to care for them in other ways and reinforce their autonomy and dignity without providing things that we think harm them (or others).
It is important to realize that although we may continue to have affection for them, positive feelings are not the only or even primary element of our love. In fact, we may have some negative feelings about them or their choices and still love them, wanting their good and growth regardless. In fact, many spiritual belief systems emphasize the need for love of even our enemies. Love is a choice we make, not simply a reflex emotion.
It's fair to ask, what’s in a word? Do you think that if we understood the word ‘love’ better that it would be helpful? Do you think since the start of the pandemic that we are becoming a more loving people?
J. Barry Engelhardt MD (retired) MHSc (bioethics)
CAERS Health Intake Facilitator
This hits close to home for me. Without going into too much detail, navigating relationships with two teen granddaughters who have bought into the trendy transgender beliefs is a constant question of loving them and letting them know that (in the true sense of wanting what's going to be in their best interests) while refusing to play along with the idea that girls can be boys born into the wrong body. It's not love to teach or support destructive beliefs just so they will like me. So far we have good relationships but I realize daily that this might be the hill those relationships die on. I know many others are walking this road and to any who are tempted to give up, hold fast to truth but do so respectfully and lovingly. Remember that it's not enough to be right if they feel you don't truly care about them. They are living in incredibly confusing times without years of observation and experience to balance what they are being told from all sides. You might be the only person who can see beyond the current fads and beliefs to provide a sense of stability in a chaotic world. I'm a Christ-follower and I answer only to Him. That makes all the difference when I waver in my commitment to truly love these girls.