‘AVENUES FOR GROWTH’
CAERS SUBSTACK ARTICLE #48
I have said in previous articles that personal growth often seems to occur as a result of hardships and crises, even though it may not be recognized at the time amidst the pain and fear that inevitably accompany them. In fact, if growth is going to ensue, it may not do so until some time after the hardship or crisis has ended. Wisdom is sometimes gained in hindsight.
In the heat of the moment, we often utilize denial and avoidance to get us through trying times. That is not necessarily a bad thing; sometimes we need to depend on raw adrenaline to get us through the early stages of a crisis. In other words, we often need to take a more short-term approach to complex problems, dealing only with those concerns that must be addressed immediately. But in the long-term, denial and avoidance are generally not good coping mechanisms. Although we may not be ready to deal with all aspects of a problem as they arise, it is usually best to deal with them eventually at a pace that is not destabilizing but still gets the job done. Otherwise, unresolved issues have a tendency to eat away at us in unhealthy ways.
Similarly, it can be tempting to blame others for our disappointing outcomes, or accept their inevitability rather than ask ourselves what we could have done differently. It is said that errors only become mistakes when we fail to correct them. Sometimes the source of the error originates in flawed assumptions. Or we may forget that our assumptions are just that— assumptions—and believe instead that they are ironclad facts. We all make assumptions because we cannot function moment-to-moment otherwise; it is far too impractical to start from scratch every time we act. That is not necessarily a problem provided that we re-evaluate our assumptions on a regular basis in case they are inaccurate, especially when things don’t turn out as well as we expected. Crossing a street on a green light is generally safe, unless it is dark and the weather is bad, when we might be best to double check before stepping off the curb.
It is true that growth is not always linear in that we are all prone to ‘growth spurts’—epiphanies and ‘ah ha’ moments. However, the most crucial technique for growth is to constantly monitor ourselves and fine-tune our behaviour, rather than waiting for disasters to strike. Fixing something before it breaks is sometimes the better strategy.
One of the biggest challenges in life is distinguishing the signal from the noise, the important from the trivial. How often do we ‘sweat the small stuff’ and ignore the big-ticket items? It can be difficult to tell the two apart when things seem vague or wishy-washy. That’s when being more explicit can help, even if it is embarrassing to do so. If something is important, then identify it as signal, not noise, by stating so explicitly. And confirm crucial details rather than allowing fear of humiliation prevent you from clarifying what may seem obvious, but often is not.
We can easily forget that we are all on a journey, and find ourselves losing patience with others who are not as far along as they could be, or as we are at the moment. In fact, the same holds
true for ourselves; just as it is easy to be too soft on ourselves, it is easy to be too harsh as well, expecting to have the wisdom and insights now that we will only have years down the line. Often when a good relationship begins to fail it is because the parties are growing at different rates; they lose synchrony. It can be tough to get back in sync if a lot of pain has defined the relationship.
Does any of this sound reminiscent of the pandemic? Denial? Avoidance? Faulty or unexamined assumptions? Ambiguous statements that lack clarity and precision? Impatience? I suspect that most of us have been guilty of some of these at one time or another during the last three years; I know that I have.
The more we examine our thinking and refine it, the better I believe our world will be. We are fully capable of doing so, but it is not easy, and it can be painful. However, if we want to grow, we should not let that deter us.
J. Barry Engelhardt MD (retired) MHSc (bioethics)
CAERS Health Intake Facilitator
Indeed...It will be hard to grow from the harsh errors we made, but we need to do it. We cannot let our friendships and families fall prey to the downpours of fear that drenched us all over the last few years.